lamboblogging

M, 31- I’ve always struggled with severe anxiety, but I never knew I was also bipolar until a major manic episode ruined my life. During this time I broke up with my fiancee and best friend of 7 years in a terrible way, spent practically all of my money, acted completely insane, and pushed away basically all of my friends. It’s taking a lot of courage right now for me to be honest with you all about what I did, but it’s been killing me that I can’t talk to anybody about this:

I was going through severe depression for 6 months straight before randomly waking up one day with a huge boost in confidence and energy. My mind felt clear for the first time in months and I was bursting with creativity. I had no idea what mania was or that I was experiencing the beginning stages of it, but within a week my personality took a complete 180. I also turned into an asshole. Manic me is a cocky jackass. Suddenly I felt like I was too good for my fiancee and that I had just been settling for her when I could have been dating someone “so much better”. I said so many terrible things to my ex that I’ll regret forever and I kicked her out of the apartment. What’s even worse is that weeks earlier I encouraged her to quit her stressful job because I offered to support the both of us while she looked for a new one. Without a job or savings she couldn’t afford to live in the area so she had to say goodbye to her friends and move back across the country to go live with her abusive parents again. All of my friends, who were also her friends, understandably hated me for this and don’t talk to me anymore. Meanwhile I kept spiraling downwards.

I was also very unlucky to have just received a substantial inheritance right before all of this. I was now living on my own far away from my family with no knowledge that A. I was manic and B. manic people tend to wrecklessly spend a LOT of money. Over the next 5 months I literally spent a million dollars on designer clothing and a Lamborghini. EVERY day for MONTHS I dressed like I was some rockstar celebrity thinking I was the coolest, funniest, most fashionable person on the planet. To say I stood out like a sore thumb would be an understatement; every day I purposefully made it my mission to be noticed. I was delusional and thought I was just going to marry some rich hot girl or get noticed and become famous (thank god that never happened). Sure, it was easy making new friends with my manic confidence, but this wasn’t my REAL personality. When my mania finally ended I was too embarassed to speak to any of these people again. I just ghosted all of them. I was convinced that none of these people would be interested in the boring, nerdy, depressed version of myself after having been friends with a funny, energetic, confident guy who wore fancy clothes and drove a supercar. They were friends with a person who didn’t exist anymore, who couldn’t be faked into existence, and who I didn’t really want to be anyway. Now on top of that imagine having to also ghost your entire town because this whole time you’ve been driving around in a Lamborghini every day dressed like a rockstar. It’s hard to be anonymous and start over when manic you made every effort to be noticed all over town. I felt like I had committed social suicide. The only silver lining is that I didn’t end up in jail, do any drugs, become an alcoholic or contract an STD. When the mania finally lifted I felt like my only real option was to sell the clothes, sell the car and move across the country back to my hometown to try and get some help.

Right now I’m going through another severe depression while trying to seek help, but it all seems so pointless considering I’ve basically already ruined everything. Even if I finally manage to stabilize myself my fiancee is gone forever, most of my money is already spent, and my friends hate me. I’m literally starting at ground zero. Coming out as bipolar to new friends and girlfriends, let alone explaining what I actually did while manic, scares the crap out of me. The amount of money I spent is so insane that I feel like no one could ever sympathize with me. I can barely get over it myself. I just feel really alone and scared because what I did was so off the walls and I feel like I’ll never be able to talk to anybody in real life about it who isn’t a doctor. Anyway, I guess I just wanted to vent.

**On a positive note, I’ve always felt like I couldn’t relate to people and reading this subreddit has helped a lot. It’s oddly comforting to finally be able to relate to peoples’ feelings and life experiences, even if they are basically negative ones. I’m terrified that I’ll never really be able to be honest about my condition with anyone in real life, but at least I know I’m not alone.

Submitted February 02, 2018 at 11:53AM by Crosseyedbandit http://ift.tt/2nutZ5T